The Truth about Menostop

As middle age began creeping up, I started feeling sort of odd. Flaming internal heat would wake me up in the night and it would take a minute to realize the heat was coming from my own body. (Night Sweats) This internal inferno must be the reason everything is suddenly DRY... I also felt a bit foggy some days when trying to recall what I was supposed to be doing, or worse yet, where I was going. (Middle-age ADD) I knew what was happening, and I wasn't ready to give up my youth. My Dr. gave me low dose birth control pills to hold off the symptoms for a few years, but alas, all good things must come to an end.

There are dozens of articles everywhere about the signs, symptoms and remedies for this period of a woman's life, but no one dares publish or talk about the "rest of the story". There would be a massive group suicide of women over 50 if everyone knew the REAL TRUTH. Oh sure, the medical researchers tell us to avoid caffeine, alcohol, spicy foods, blah, blah, blah that may trigger these miserable symptoms. OK, shoot me now, I'm not giving up Starbucks or my cosmos.

Soooo, as a service to the world of women over 45, I have developed a menu of Do's and Don'ts, which will address some of the less published travesties of middle age.

• Buy stock in Carmex. (No, but it is good for your endlessly parched lips.)
• Start dieting now. (You will only be able to injest 600 calories per day for the rest of your life, so get used to it.)
• Find a reputable salon to do weekly waxes and lasar hair removal. (Mom, are you going to do anything about that mustache?)
• Drink only lactose-free milk. (Grammy, did you toot?)
• Buy "big game hunter" earplugs. (Any interruption of sleep may prove fatal for those around you.)
• Save money; turn off the heat and buy an industrial strength fan for your bedroom and bath. (Watching your makeup run off your chin and pushing your sweaty bangs off your forehead is not good for our already fragile moods.)
• Invest in a second ice machine. (Ice water is the new nectar of the gods.)
• You can no longer stand in lines or take guff from anyone. (Involuntary manslaughter still carries a hefty penalty.)

OK..nuff said.